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Fuck Jamie Oliver!

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Or When Is a Carrot Cake not a Carrot Cake



My wife knows I have a hard time not making comments any time she lands on Jamie Oliver on the television.  She isn't as turned off by him as I am, as she is always curious in new recipes.  At the height of his pretentious he tried to teach American kids how to eat right with his so-called "food revolution."  It may have done some good, but  Jamie is to food what Dr. Oz is to medicine.  However, I will never forgive him for that awful carrot cake recipe he had in a cookbook someone once gave me for my birthday.  I wanted to throw the cookbook away but my wife wouldn't let me.

The cooking phenomena is really something.  There is no end to cooking shows and cooking competitions on television, not to mention all the cookbooks that have flooded the market.  Every celebrity seems to have a cookbook, even Snoop Dogg.  I suppose it comes after spending so much time with fellow ex-felon Martha Stewart. I venture to say Snoop is probably a better cook than Jamie Oliver.

The same is true in Lithuania.  There is no shortage of homegrown cooking shows on television with companion cookbooks in the local bookstores.  My wife and I tend to watch Beata, who has her own food line as well.  Really like her breads.  I'm waiting for our notorious rapper Sel to come out with a cookbook of his own, but for the time being he is plugging RC cola, which made its way to Lithuania shortly before the pandemic, and seems to be catching hold in the country.

So, what is it with cooking?  Why is it so popular?  Do people really have so much time on their hands that they are willing to spend the whole afternoon in the kitchen cooking up some fancy meal they see on television?

Not me.  I've always preferred simple meals that take less than 30 minutes to prepare.  I don't mind putting a chicken to roast in the oven or slow cooking a pot of black beans on the stove because they don't require much attention.  But, all these elaborate meals I see on My Kitchen Rules, no thanks!  I simply don't have the patience for that sort of thing.  I would rather enjoy a good meal like that in a restaurant.

My wife, however, enjoys testing herself, often past the breaking point in putting out big meals on special occasions.  We go through this every Easter and Christmas.  Why not keep it simple this year, I ask her?  One year she let me try it.  It was Christmas Eve, which is traditionally a fish dinner in Lithuania, so I said I'll make paella.  I thought it came out quite nicely, but her parents and brother were shocked.  How could you mock Kučos in this way?  There are supposed to be 12 separate fish dishes, ranging from sardine appetizers to a stuffed carp, all of which she had painstakingly prepared before.  Who tortures their loved ones in this way!

OK, I do spend at least three hours making pumpkin pies every year, which has become a Thanksgiving tradition, which is around the same time as my birthday.  I don't mind so much because it is one time of year.  I do it all from scratch.  No canned pumpkin and no frozen pie shell from the supermarket.  I follow my mother's recipe, which had been passed down to her by her mother.  So, it has special meaning to me.  Otherwise, it is smoked salmon salads, stir-fried potato dishes and steaks on the grill.  My wife enjoys anytime I take over in the kitchen.

I tried to change things up one Thanksgiving and make a carrot cake because I love it so much.  I had a pretty good idea how it should be made, but wasn't sure so I decided to consult Jamie Oliver.  I could see from the start this wasn't going to work out, and sure enough the batter was runny as hell.  I added more flour but nothing seemed to be working.  I ended up with a somewhat tasty mess, which perfectly describes Jamie, but that's not what I wanted for dessert.  Never again, I said.



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