Thursday, October 19, 2017

Downgraded




Receiving the news that he had been downgraded to #248 on the Fortune 500 List, Donald Trump was livid.  "What is this fake news!  I'm worth at least $10 billion," he yelled to everyone with in earshot.  "Where did they get these figures anyway?  I didn't release my tax returns."

We spent the rest of the day trying to calm him down, which was why he was in no mood to deal with sending condolences to Gold Star families.  "If anyone should be getting condolences it should be me for this incredibly sad news.  Pathetic.  Cut my subscription to Forbes right now," he shouted.

Gen. Kelly persevered, saying it is important to talk to grieving spouses and parents.  They want to know you care for them.  "Oh, all right, give me the phone," snatching it out of the general's hand.  It was all he could do to feign sentiments, so when he got to Myeshia Johnson he was rather brusque. He referred to her husband as "your guy" because he was no longer looking at the list.  He couldn't stand her crying so much and finally said, "look, he signed up for this, sorry," and hung up.  Gen. Kelly gave him a reproachful look,  but the president just turned his back and stared out the window, wondering how much money he could be making if he was back in the real world.

"I'm only president for 8 months and already my kids have blown $600 million.  At this rate there will be nothing left when I get out.  Should have set up that blind trust like my lawyers told me," he mumbled to himself.

"What was that sir?"  Gen. Kelly asked?  "Nothing.  Get out!"

The president was in a first class funk.  Only a round of golf could cure something like this but it was only Tuesday.  No way to justify a trip to his country club in the middle of the week.  "What the hell did I get myself into!" we heard him shout through the walls.  I had to go into give him a security briefing.  Gen. Kelly said he had enough of the man-child for one day.  I knocked on the door.  "What now, Church Lady!"

"It's me, sir.  This is the latest briefing on Secretary Tillerson's negotiations with North Korea.  It doesn't look good."

"Give it to me in a nutshell."

"Basically, they're not going to stop making missiles.  It says something about proving to that 'dotard' we can hit one of his towers if we want to."

He really became unhinged at this point.  "Get me the Church Lady!" -- "He left sir." -- "Dammit, where's that guy when I need him.  OK, get me Jared."

Jared came in.  He tried to calm his father-in-law down, telling him they were only bluffing.  "Why do we even negotiate with this guy?  Complete waste of time.  We should have bombed him when we had our ships over there."  Jared said the ships are still there.  "Maybe I should bring in Four Eyes (referring to Rick Perry) with the nuclear codes?"  Jared said we should at least wait until Sec. Tillerson came back.  "Christ, this is insufferable!"

President Trump was looking at his cellphone by this point, reading a message a Florida Congresswoman had posted of his call to Mrs. Johnson.  "What the hell is this?  I didn't say anything like that.  I don't even remember what I said."  Jared looked at the tweet.  "It's easy enough to counter," he said, "we'll just say we have proof you didn't say that, and no one will be the wiser."  The president wasn't even listening, busy typing his own tweet about the fake Congresswoman.  "Maybe I should read that first," Jared said.  "Too late," the president replied before sending the message on its way.

"I really have no time for this.  People actually expect me to send condolences each time someone gets killed.  I'm not a funeral director.  Where are my tax cuts?  I promised I would have them passed by Christmas.  Mitch better get this bill through the Senate or that's it with him."

Jared informed him that the process had only started and that it will take weeks before a bill is on the floor.  He didn't want to tell the president that Rand Paul was already balking after having played golf with him the past weekend.  The president thought he had Senator Paul in his pocket.

Ivanka came sauntering in at this point.  She was happy about her global fund for empowering women finally getting off the ground and wanted her father to give it a plug.  "Look, baby, I've got a lot on the plate right now," but Ivanka was insistent, "you promised, daddy."  She knew he couldn't resist when she called him daddy, and so he said he would say something about it at his next press conference.

"OK, everyone out!"  There was a long silence.  We could faintly hear him clicking away on his cellphone.  We all looked at our phones for his message to appear.  

"Forbes is totally fake news!  I'm worth $10 billion, I tell you.  Not 3.1 bil.  Pathetic."


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